The Perseverance Project

Tough Mudder Thoughts

2011-06-08T20:07:00.000-07:00

If any of you follow my blog Waiting for Morning you have probably read by now that I didn't finish the Tough Mudder.

To make a long story short the cold and wet became too much for me and I called it a day at mile 5.5. A few hours under warm blankets and some dry clothes made me good as new except for my wounded pride.

It really bothers me that I didn't finish.

It has been a few weeks now and I've spent a lot of time mulling this over in my mind. The whole point of this blog, of my life, is to persevere...so you can imagine that this isn't sitting well with me. But at the same time, there is something to be said about taking on something that could very well be too much. Only pursuing what we are certain to succeed at doesn't build character. It is the risk involved, the very real potential of failure, that makes succeeding-persevering-a triumph. Nothing is accomplished in playing it safe...

Which is all well and good when, despite the odds, the goal is met. Then you can have a party and pat yourself on the back and feel super good about all the hard work you put in because, well, it all paid off.

But what about when it isn't? What about FAILURE?

I don't like FAILURE. Mostly I don't like it because I don't like the feeling that accompanies it. Failure feels like the moment just before you throw up, that really sick feeling accompanied by complete panic-you know exactly what I mean. But unlike being sick, failure lingers. It sticks with you. Well, it sticks with me.

The fact of the matter is, I did not meet my goal. I set out to finish the Tough Mudder and I didn't. That disappoints me. But...

Lets keep it in perspective. The Tough Mudder was a HUGE goal for me. From the beginning I worried it was over my head. And although I trained very hard for it, I knew it wasn't hard enough. Life prevented me from being where I knew I needed to be. And that happens sometimes. I am not one of those in shape even when I'm out of shape type of people. Being a mom and wife and running my tea company took its toll on me. I did my best with the time I had, but at the end of the day my limited time was NOT enough. Unfortunately this is real life and that is what happens in real life-we are not always as ready as we need to be.

These are not excuses though, just facts. I didn't succeed at the Tough Mudder YET-but the experience was not lost on me. I learned TONS about myself. I learned that I like belly crawling though mud and gravel. I learned that, through will power alone, I can submerge myself in ice cold water. I also learned that I know when enough is enough. I know my limits and I know when to call it a day. Sometimes it is better to live to fight another day.

The single benefit of failure is that I will use the experience to succeed at my next Tough Mudder. Yes-I am not finished. I said that I would finish the entire thing and I will. I wasn't successful two weeks ago but that doesn't mean I just throw my hands up. It means that I get even MORE ready and I try AGAIN until I succeed.

Because that is what perseverance is-never giving up.

Failure is only failure if we let it stop us. Failure becomes power if we let it motivate us.

And trust me. I am feeling pretty motivated right now.

Here is my last thought...as I climbed up the mountain in Snow Valley two weeks ago surrounded by other Tough Mudders along side my wonderful teammates (and friends) I thought about my girls. I was cold (ridiculously cold) and wet and really starting to doubt my ability to make it to the end. Mentally I was struggling as much as I was struggling physically. I felt overwhelmed-the altitude, the cold, the wet, the incline, the distance-it all seemed beyond my capabilities. But so did losing my girls three years ago. Grief is a tough mountain to climb too. I never thought I'd survive it.

Yet here I am.

The Tough Mudder was TOUGH. Super tough. But hands down, grief was (is) tougher. And I had to be carried down the mountain of grief more than once before I finally made it to the top. I broke down countless time convinced I just couldn't go another step. But I refused to give up. I had failures. I had set backs. I faced things I didn't even know I'd be facing-things I wasn't ready for. But I didn't let it stop me. I let the failure teach me how to succeed the next time around and I tried as many times as I need to...

I'll be stronger the next time I step on that mountain, any mountain.

So I guess it wasn't as much of a failure as it was a set back. And in the scheme of things, it was a privilege to be "set back"- I am stronger for it.

I'll keep you posted on my next Tough Mudder adventure. I will earn that orange head band soon enough.

~RACHEL

Five Weeks Left

2011-04-24T12:25:00.000-07:00

OK!

Countdown: Five weeks until Tough Mudder!

Am I ready? No.

Will I be? Hmmm....

I guess we will find out.

With five weeks left I am feeling frantic but also motivated. Motivation comes in many forms. Fear has been a huge motivating factor for me as I train for Tough Mudder. I fear injury. I fear pain. And I fear failure. But mostly...and here come my deep confession that I am not even sure I really want to tell all of you...

I fear looking stupid.

I know that is ridiculous. But it is true. The same reason why you won't EVER find me singing Karaoke is why I am nervous about Tough Mudder. I don't want to look like a fool!

So, I decided, since I have struggled my entire life with worrying about what others think of me and fearing that they are judging me and making fun of me in their minds, that THIS is exactly the reason to do Tough Mudder.

I can no longer let my fear of being embarrassed stop me from trying new things, especially hard things I might fail at.

It is very possible that at some point on the mountain I will embarrass myself. I might fall down or eat it in ridiculous fashion off one (or more than one) obstacle. I might have to stop and walk up or down the mountain. I might. But I might not.

And even if I did, does anyone else really care that much? Who am I to think that all eyes would be on me anyway? The point is not how I look doing it, it is just that I do it. And I am determined, one way or another, to cross that finish line.

Ready or not, I will finish.

Yesterday I ran 5 miles pushing the jogger around Lake Miramar. Other than sore ankles today, it felt good. Last Saturday Kasey and I did an almost 6 mile trail run. She killed it and I struggled to keep up (no surprise there) but it did feel good and it was such a beautiful day to be out in nature running together. The week before last I did a pull-up FINALLY. My friend Ashley witnessed the event so she can vouch for me. I guess I say all this to remind myself that I am making progress.

Little by little I have gotten stronger. Little by little I have increased my conditioning. Little by little I have prepared myself to finish. Mentally I envision myself crossing (crawling perhaps) that finish line no matter what.

It is sort of like my life. Little by little I am healing, little by little I am growing, and little by little I am persevering...so I can be a woman who always finishes no matter what.

-Rachel

14 weeks left

2011-02-20T06:26:00.000-08:00

14 weeks sounds like a lot, but it isn't. Not for the Tough Mudder. I know I'll need every single day and do not take the time for granted.

I am sore as can be. On Friday I did these jumping squat things holding weights and I jumped rope-something I have not done since high school. My calves were burning. I am also making improvements toward my pull-up goal. I hoped to improve faster than this but at least I see progress. I'm not giving up though. I will get there eventually.

I follow the Tough Mudder workout three times a week and run the other three. I take Tuesdays off completely. When March comes I'll start the Insanity DVDs and do those through April. I am not sure how I will spend May yet. Panicking probably! It will all depend on how I feel when May comes around.

This week's obstacle is the Boa Constrictor, a long up-hill tunnel we have to climb through on our bellies. Oh brother. I'll focus on core and shoulders shoulders shoulders!

I found an article with Tough Mudder training tips. Here is the link: http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=124245041. It seems helpful. I guess I'll find out on May 28th! It is worth the read if you have some spare time.

Happy Training!
~Rachel

15 weeks and 15 Obstacles

2011-02-13T19:59:00.000-08:00

So I had this great idea to dedicate each week of training to one of the obstacles of the Tough Mudder. There are actually more than 15 obstacles, but a few of them can't really be trained for like jumping off a 15 foot platform into ice-cold water or yelling at the top of your lungs when you reach the summit. A few others simply involve endurance (running!) and I am already running three times a week. My hope is that focusing on each obstacle will not only help me train better but also help me prepare mentally. The Tough Mudder will be as psychologically challenging as it is physically challenging.

This week I will focus on preparing for the Berlin Walls, a series of 12-foot high walls I'll have to climb over.

I see lots up pull-ups in my future. And abs!

103 days left...

Tough Mudder

2011-02-09T20:11:00.000-08:00

Me, the mud, and pure determination equals transformation

Check out www.toughmudder.com to see my newest perseverance project. This is by far the MOST challenging project I've taken on yet. I can't lie, I'm nervous. I've been training my butt off.

May 28th is the day. And I won't be alone. My amazing super-friends Kasey and Melissa will be by my side.

You may be wondering why in the world I have committed to such an event. I suppose everyone has their own reason and my reason is simple.

I'm scared and I don't want to be.

I am facing my fears. My fear of failure. My fear of pain. My fear of humiliation.

It won't be pretty. When it is over I'll be wet, dirty, exhausted...and so amazingly proud of myself.

Sometimes you just have to go for it and this is me going for it.

I hope you'll follow my progress as I train. I'm going to post the entire journey from now until I cross the finish line.

98 days to go.

~Rachel

P90X After Photos

2011-01-02T20:41:00.001-08:00

Check out www.inshapeafterbaby.blogspot.com to see our after photos! Kasey and I both made some progress. We are excited to start the new year off right! 2011 will be exciting.

Rachel

Important FYI

2010-09-26T09:23:00.000-07:00

Okay P90Xers!

Kasey and I decided to change the start date to Oct 4th because it makes more sense to start on a Monday. That way Sundays will be our days off. We also decided to start a completely separate (and temporary) blog for the P90X challenge at www.inshapeafterbaby.blogspot.com. It will help keep everything straight and keep everyone on track.

So, the countdown begins today. Check the new blog everyday for an informational "countdown" post as well as instructions for those of you who have jumped on board. Kasey and I will be posting our own experience and progress alternating weeks with each other for the entire 90 days.

If you are accepting our challenge please jump over to the new blog and leave a comment with your name and email address so that I can make a list.

See you soon!

My Doctor Said...

2010-09-15T14:45:00.000-07:00

I had a doctor's appointment today and he not only gave me the green light on exercising, he didn't even say I had to start slow. He gave me a high five and said I am good to go. Apparently the soreness I still feel in my belly will only go away when I get strong again. If I am remembering correctly it took me six months before I felt "right" after my last c-section so I guess I should expect some discomfort for a while. Anyway, with my doctor 100% behind me I have no more hurdles...P90X here I come!

Who else?

Who Else?

2010-09-14T15:49:00.000-07:00

Ok, So Karol is in and so is my girl Heather in NY. My girlfriend Kasey is also in, as a matter of fact she is going to be contributing to the blog along with me. She just had a baby too, one month after me. She is an amazing athlete so I am secretly competing with her...she keeps me super motivate. Kasey, if you are out there send me a comment.

Any one else? There has to be more! You know you want to...

You In?

2010-09-12T14:15:00.000-07:00

So Karol, does that mean you're in? I loved how you used the word "brutal" in your comment about P90X. Like I mentioned I have dabbled in it and know that it is in fact BRUTAL. But like Tony Horton says..."You hate it, but you love it." It is the strange blend of pain and exhilaration that makes me love a challenge like this one. I know I will have my moments of singing a different tune...but in the end I (and anyone out there brave enough to join me) will gain more than I sacrificed. But don't get me wrong, I have the ibuprofen ready. You rock Karol!

Anyone else game?

Perseverance Project #3

2010-09-11T17:43:00.000-07:00

Okay!

First my apologies for falling off the map. I do have an excuse though...I had a baby!

Colton James Crawford was born on July 23, 2010 weighing 7lbs 3oz and measuring 19.5 inches long. He is now seven weeks old and as precious as ever. I had a scheduled c-section so I have been recovering (slower than I would like) and planning my next Perseverance Project. And it is a good one!

Here it is: Perseverance Project #3 a.k.a. lose the baby weight and get back in shape!

But how you ask? No we are not going to run another half marathon, at least not this time. Although next year I do plan to run the Marine Corps Marathon in D.C. But I will save that for another time. This time I have a better idea.

Have you ever heard of P90X? If you haven't you need to look it up. It is going to be a booty kicker! I have dabbled in it before, doing a video here and there, but I have never done the full 90 day plan. The few workouts I have done have been ridiculous so I know without a doubt that if I commit to the entire program I will absolutely get into shape.

But it won't be easy folks, especially not at first. And I am going to do you all the giant favor of keeping a video diary of my progress. It doesn't get more honest than that. There is a good chance that you might actually see me cry...I am pretty out of shape and not getting any younger and that can be a hard pill to swallow.

But that also means that YOU don't have any excuse not to jump on board with me.

Here are my stats:
1) I have been pregnant and therefore NOT very physically active for almost a year now.
2) I had a c-section so I am not only out of shape but "rehabing" from abdominal surgery.
3) I gained 40 lbs in my pregnancy of which 17 are still on me.
and 4) I am 30 years old now. If you don't think that matters than you must not be thirty yet.

I also have some pretty big challenges to juggle to make this happen:
1)I have a new baby. That means I don't have a lot of free time (sometimes I have NO free time) and I don't get very much sleep.
2)I am nursing which makes dieting and exercise tricky so that I maintain my milk supply.
and 3) I am in the full swing of starting my tea company Teamotions...we officially launch in Jan so my plate is more than full.

Before you start thinking that I am crazy let me just say I'm not. I love a challenge and this will definitely be a challenge. But mostly I would really like to feel strong again. Yes I want to get the baby weight off, but even more than that I want to put some muscle back on this body. This is about getting stronger for me on many levels.

My Plan:
I am not going to start the program until Oct 1st. I attempted to go on a run recently and immediately realized that my body is not quite ready for P90X. So I am going to take the next three weeks to "warm up" so to speak, get my body used to exercise again and hopefully prevent myself from being crippled with soreness when I do begin P90X.

This means that those of you who would like to join me have enough time to order the DVDs and be ready with time to spare.

Also on Oct 1st I will take my weight and measurements and set my goals so I have something to strive for and to motivate me. It will be easy to track my progress this way. And yes, I will make those numbers public. At this point what do I have to hide?

So are you in?

I can't promise you this will be easy, I can actually almost guarantee that it will be extremely challenging unless you are already in wicked good shape. But I can promise that it will not be a waste of time.

Most importantly we will do it together. With each other's support we will persevere.

Any questions?

Rachel

OH MY!

2010-05-21T15:38:00.000-07:00

I am so sorry that it is May 21st and I haven't posted since January!

I have been sticking to my resolutions. Have you?

I had to make some modifications. Getting my tea company off the ground (http://www.teamotionstea.com/ - this is just a temp site. Give me five more weeks for the official Teamotions website) has required more time than I anticipated and my pregnancy has been more difficult than I expected. The baby is fine and I am fine, but for some reason this pregnancy has been extremely taxing on me physically and emotionally. I've had to take it easy. So I modified my resolutions a bit to accommodate my circumstances.

And that is ok.

I am 29 weeks pregnant today. My girls were born at 24 weeks so celebrating 29 weeks is a blessing. And although I am exhausted and uncomfortable, I am overjoyed. It is a gift quite honestly...all the aches and pains, the heartburn, the restless sleep...all gifts. Each one means that my baby is still growing safely in my belly and I praise God for that.

And for those of you that don't follow my other blog Waiting For Morning (http://www.aubreyandellie.blogspot.com/), the new baby is A BOY! However, the poor little guy still doesn't have a name. I'll keep you posted...

Right now I am sitting with my feet up trying to prevent my ankles from swelling. My son and I spent some time at the local YMCA pool this afternoon getting some much needed sunshine and enjoying some play time together.

Dustin loves to go to the pool. I love the pool too under normal circumstance. But to be honest, I have struggled deeply with my self esteem throughout this pregnancy. Motivated only by my love for my son, I have forced myself to put aside my own hang-ups and throw on a bathing suit and go swimming.

But it has not been easy.

And it is weighing heavily on my mind.

I know I sound shockingly superficial. Even I don't understand how someone like me, who knows the grief of losing two of her babies, could possibly lose perspective so easily. Most women would easily accept an extra thirty pounds and some cellulite in exchange for a healthy pregnancy and baby. I get that.

And I am not a superficial person...

So what is my problem?

That is the question I am asking myself today. I want to get to the core of my lack of perspective. I should be completely honored by the blessing of a healthy pregnancy, but instead I feel ugly, inadequate, and deeply self conscious.

Intellectually I know I shouldn't, yet I still do.

When I feel conflicted like this, when I KNOW the truth yet seem to FEEL contrary to it, I go to the Bible for direction. God's word always has a way of helping me regain proper perspective.

I have this amazing Bible program on my computer that I use CONSTANTLY. I opened it and typed "self esteem" into the search space. Nothing. So I tried "unworthy." Not what I was looking for either. Next I tried "worthy." And I found something amazing. Unexpected, but amazing.

This passage of scripture really spoke to me:

Eph 4:1-24 (Bold added for emphasis)

4:1 As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. 3 Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. 4 There is one body and one Spirit— just as you were called to one hope when you were called— 5 one Lord, one faith, one baptism; 6 one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.

7 But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it. 8 This is why it says:

"When he ascended on high,
he led captives in his train
and gave gifts to men."

9 (What does "he ascended" mean except that he also descended to the lower, earthly regions? 10 He who descended is the very one who ascended higher than all the heavens, in order to fill the whole universe.) 11 It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, 12 to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up 13 until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.

14 Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. 15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. 16 From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

17 So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. 18 They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. 19 Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more.

20 You, however, did not come to know Christ that way. 21 Surely you heard of him and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. 22 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. NIV

Initially I was hoping to find scriptures that would tell me how I am fearfully and wonderfully made and beautiful in the eyes of Christ, something that would contradict my own insecurities so I could close my Bible feeling beautiful. Maybe I could even try to pray my cellulite away? After all, I just want to feel pretty, and certainly God wants me to feel pretty too right? There has to be scriptures about that doesn't there?

Yet, what I found was so much richer, and went way deeper than the extra pounds on my backside. It told me to put off my old self which is corrupted by my own deceitful desires and to have the attitude of my mind made new and to put on the new self...the one that builds up the body of Christ.

In other words: GET A CLUE!

By worldly standards my butt probably doesn't make the grade. But I am not to measure myself by the world's standards. As a follower of Christ my focus should be on heavenly things and not on earthly ones, on others instead of just myself, on this baby and not on my butt.

I am not saying that gives us license to not take care of our bodies. I admit that I may have had a blended mocha or two too many and that may or may not have contributed to the size of my bum, and I have to take responsibility for that. But even if God erased the extra inches from my backside instantly, I would be fooling myself to think my insecurities would disappear with them.

Self esteem doesn't really come from our selves at all. It come from Him. Knowing who we are in Christ gives us the validation and purpose we so desperately desire. We can never give that to ourselves, nor can the world give that to us. It comes from Christ ALONE.

So who am I in Christ?

Well, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am also loved, cherished, and saved by grace. But I am also part of the body. Part of something much bigger than myself. Part of God's plan. I was created with a plan and purpose, and I am to define my worth through Christ's eyes, not by my own flawed standards.

A larger butt does not make me any less worthy than a small butt made me more worthy. My worth is not measured my the size of my jeans or if I look good in Heidi Klum's new line of maternity clothes.

Christ died to save my soul. My butt had nothing to do with it.

I wish I could say that the truth of the scriptures has instantly transformed me. But it has certainly convicted me. I desire to please God infinitely more than I desire a nice bottom. And I feel blessed to be reminded of that.

A transformation has begun. One that is taking place in my heart.

I am going to seek my self-esteem from God instead of myself. I am going to focus on the eternal things more passionately than the worldly ones. And I am going to do a better job taking care of myself, feeding myself with more of the Word and less with blended mochas.

I want to live a life worthy of the calling I have received.

Lets persevere in this together, not compromising in any way, to grow and build each other up as the body of Christ.

Five Ways to a Healthier You this New Year, Execution Plan

2010-01-22T08:32:00.001-08:00

OK, now that you have set your resolutions, you will need to execute them. Simply listing five goals for the New Year will not make them happen, nor with a half-cocked approach. You'll need a plan, a very detailed plan...and this is how you make one.

DO NOT SKIP THIS STEP. Choosing to make a plan is the difference between someone who truly wants to accomplish their resolutions this year and someone who just wants to pretend like they want to. Don't fool yourself. Intentions do not count here. Don't give yourself props for attempting to better your life but falling off the wagon. We are adults and have to remain accountable to our choices (or lack there of). It is called maturity. It is ridiculous how much we let ourselves get away with, even to our clear detriment, yet convince ourselves it is ok. It is not ok. Take a moment to do some honest self-examination right now. Do you have a track record of following through on the promises you make to yourself or do you often (or maybe always) drop the ball? If you fall in the second category you will need to factor that in to your execution plan. Accountability is key for you. Do what you have to do (and yes it will probably require pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone) to ensure your success. If you keep doing the same thing you have always done without success, you will continue without success. It is not rocket science so clue in people, change requires change.

Get out a piece of paper and a pen. And no, don't get on your computer. Get a real piece of paper and a real pen. Writing things out has a different affect on your brain than typing on a computer screen. If you want to type up a final draft that is fine, but start with a pen and paper.

List out your five resolutions: (these are mine)
1) Intellectual: Read the entire Bible in a year.
2) Emotional: Plan an "activity" date once a month with my husband.
3) Financial: Restore $3000.00 to my family's savings account.
4) Physical: Walk regularly throughout my pregnancy.
5) Spiritual: Keep a weekly prayer journal.

Next, analyze each resolution and categorize how much attention each will need. Will your resolution demand a daily, weekly, or monthly commitment? And then estimate how much time (minutes or hours) that daily, weekly, or monthly commitment will require. For example, my intellectual resolution requires a daily commitment of about 20-30 minutes. My emotional resolution requires a monthly commitment of at least 3 hours for the date itself and probably at least 30 minutes a month to plan it and arrange for a sitter. I calculated my financial resolution in a different way. $3000.00 in a year equals $250.00 a month so as I am building my budding tea business, my goal will be to salary myself at least $250 a month, which will be easier said than done. If all goes as predicted this will not be a problem, but I have no way of predicting the success of my business so I will have to "re-evaluate" my progress once a month to keep my resolution on track. My physical resolution requires an almost daily commitment of at least 30 minutes. And lastly, my spiritual resolution requires my time once a week, for at least 30 minutes. So to sum up, I have two resolutions that require daily attention, one that requires weekly attention, and two that require monthly attention.

If you find that all of your resolutions require daily attention you might want to rethink a few of them. Five daily commitments is a lot and your chance of failure is quite high. If all of your resolutions are monthly or weekly, you may not be expecting enough from yourself. For example, committing to get in shape by taking a walk once a week has little chance of improving your health. You may want to change your resolution to three or four times a week at least. And if one of your resolutions is to read a book a month and requires a daily commitment of two hours of reading you might want to re-evaluate. It is important to factor in that life happens and that if you miss a day or two it may be impossible to catch up. This is very defeating. Make sure to keep your resolutions realistic and don't be afraid to "modify" them now if needed.

Next, list all the possible challenges involved with each resolution and create a strategy for each one. In order for me to read the Bible in a year I have to stay on top of it, but since I know that there might be days I can't get to it, I factored in catch-up reading. The 30 minutes I set aside each day is enough for two scheduled readings so I always have time to get back on track or even get ahead when I know something in the future will prevent me from reading (ie. having my baby in August). Planning dates with my husband will also be tricky as he has a constantly changing work schedule and being parents complicates things. My son has a way of getting sick at the most random times. Therefore my best chance of success is to plan dates for the beginning of the month in case they have to be rescheduled due to unforeseen circumstances. Getting my almost daily walk in will require creativity. If it is raining I will have to go to the gym. If my husband is not home I will need to put my son on his bike and take him along. I will have to examine my day first thing in the morning and work around my business and personal obligations to fit it in.

That leads me to another tip. Get a day planner and take a look at your day first thing every morning and plan your day accordingly. Work with your daily obligations and schedule your resolutions as if they were an appointment, an appointment with yourself. You will be amazed at how much time you discover in your day when you take some time to plan ahead and how little time you have when you don't. Also, be creative. Combining resolutions is perfectly ok. If one of your goals is to have real quality time with your children once a week and also to get more exercise maybe you could plan to take a family bike ride on Saturday morning and kill two birds with one stone. Or if you are committed to more time with your spouse and attending a Bible study for spiritual growth maybe you and your spouse could attend the Bible study together. My point is, make it work. It won't just happen. And a little creativity goes a long way.

Be ready to make sacrifices. Getting up earlier in the morning and watching less TV are just a few suggestions to finding more time in your day. Also, if better physical health is one of your goals get it through your head now that it is going to be uncomfortable. You will be tired, sore, and frustrated at first. It is a test of determination to push through the pain. But you can do it.

Once you have your resolutions, what they require, and the challenges you may face keeping them, all written out, put it somewhere where you will see it and read it on a weekly if not daily basis. The constant reminder will keep you on track.

Also, DO NOT PROCRASTINATE. Procrastination is the quickest way to giving up. Feeling overwhelmed is defeating. When things pile up we often abandon them to keep our sanity. If we just don't let things pile up, we are WAY MORE LIKELY to succeed.

I absolutely understand the demands of life. I am a wife, a mother, a Christian, and I run my own business. I am also still grieving the loss of my daughters as well as pregnant again. Did I mention I have a puppy? I clean my own house, do all the cooking, and the laundry too. Just keeping up with that fills my day let alone making room for my resolutions. It is extremely challenging and I don't always do a good job, but I keep at it because it is so important. It is part of my value system to put God first daily, to make my husband and children a top priority, to keep myself and my family healthy physically and emotionally, to not be reckless with my finances, and to nurture my intellect and relationships. Not following through with my resolutions directly contradicts with who I claim to be, and I don't want that. Do you want that?

Lastly, I also know what it is like to be in crisis. When Aubrey and Ellie died I did not change my value system, but my capabilities became severely limited. All my energy went into simply coping as my pain overwhelmed me. If this is where you are at today, IT IS OK. The most important advice I can give you is to ASK FOR HELP. I still needed to be a wife and a parent after my daughters' deaths. I still had to do laundry and cook meals. My house did not clean itself. Life was still going forward even though I was not. So, I had to make a new game plan. And that new plan involved modifying, not abandoning, my value system. The church brought us meals, at times I fed my son cereal for dinner, I hired some one to come clean my house once or twice when it got really bad, and I put many of my normal activities like Bible study on hold for a while and used the time to rest. I also sought the help of professionals like pastors and counselors to help me navigate through my crisis. Certainly at this time in my life I did only what I could and let the rest fall by the wayside. My new priority became my healing and that trumped everything for a season. If you are in a season of crisis, give yourself permission to cope as necessary, but if you feel your value system crumbling under the pain, GET HELP. Compromise does not ease the pain.

Any questions? Shoot me an email (aubreyandellie@gmail.com) or leave a comment. I would love to hear what some of your resolutions are and why? I wish you success and fulfillment. I hope you find and inner strength and determination you never knew was there and experience the satisfaction of accomplishment!

Rachel

Five Ways to a Healthier You this New Year, Part III

2010-01-20T21:25:00.000-08:00

Part III

Resolution 4: Set a goal to improve your physical health.

We get but one body, and the health of that body is crucial to our quality of life. It is absolutely unacceptable to neglect your physical health, yet it seems to be the one thing we put on the back burner to pursue other important aspects of our lives. We are there for our spouses and children, we give our time to our church and/or our community, and we balance jobs and households, budgets and schedules, new babies and pets, all the while ignoring our physical needs.

I know many people who are rock solid spiritually, emotionally, and financially…but their health is shameful. And this is NOT okay. The opposite can also be true, some place their physical health so highly that the rest of their life and relationships suffer. That is not okay either. The key is balance, physical health is a part of the whole, and should neither be given too much nor not enough emphasis.

However, that being said, it is often not given enough emphasis. Honestly people, we have got to step it up. It is sad really how little we demand of ourselves, for our own good, and for the good of those around us. We have to get moving and keep moving, every single day. We have to put clean, pure food into our bodies and keep the processed junk out. And mostly we have to set a good, no GREAT, example for our children.

Poor physical health will rob you not only of years of your life, but nothing will kill your self- esteem faster. And a low self image will undermine every significant relationship and goal in your life. If you care about your loved ones, if you long for deeper more meaningful relationships, if you desire a more purposeful life…you need to get your butt in gear LITERALLY and get in shape! Nothing will make you braver and bolder than to feel strong and confident again in your own skin.

My resolution for better physical health this year is modified since I am pregnant. I would usually commit to a half marathon or some other “training required” event. But this year I am limited. Since my physical health will directly affect my baby, being diligent is a must and I am not off the hook. So my goal is simply this: take a 30 min walk 5-6 times a week. Nothing extreme, nothing dangerous, just a good old fashioned walk. Consistency is crucial here. My body, my baby, and my dog will thank me for it.

What will you do for your physical health this year?

Resolution 5: Put God above it all.

Every ounce of purpose and meaning in our life comes from what Jesus did for us on the cross. Without Him we have nothing, less than nothing. Our intellectual, emotional, financial and physical health doesn’t mean a thing without a personal relationship with Jesus. That is why placing Him above all things is crucial. He is first. True fulfillment can only be found in the intimacy of a constantly deepening relationship with our Savior.

And going through the motions does not count. Going to church, reading the Bible, and engaging in devotions or service to others are all good things only if your heart is in it. Good works and religious practices are empty and meaningless without the relationship.

I challenge you to make this year a year for going deeper. Press in and see what God has for you. Nothing will add more fulfillment to your life. Hands down the best thing you can do for your life is to give it away to Christ.

This is the hardest resolution for me to set as I am still working through my grief. More often than not I pull away from God in my pain instead of press in to Him. Spending time with God is bittersweet at times for me, but still so important. So this year, my resolution is to keep a prayer journal, specifically, to set aside one day a week, to record my conversations with God. I wish I could devote time each day for this but I know that is a resolution I could not keep emotionally nor logistically. And I know God understands. Once a week is a realistic commitment for me. So once a week it is. I can’t wait to see how God uses our time together.

Don’t sell yourself short this year by leaving God out. What goal will you set this year to nurture the most important relationship in your life?

Coming Next: Now that you have set your 5 resolutions, you’ll need a game plan so they don’t fall by the wayside. How to establish a plan of execution is the next step to success...

Five Ways to a Healthier You this New Year, Part II

2010-01-18T21:02:00.000-08:00

Resolution 2: Set a goal regarding your emotional well being.

We are all walking different roads. Some of us have experienced nothing short of emotional crisis in our lives, others not so much, but regardless, all of us need to take inventory of our emotional health. Where are you at? What do you need in the upcoming year? What can you offer others? When it comes to emotional health, reciprocation is key. Giving to others can be as nurturing, if not more so, than receiving. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need, but also don’t be afraid to give either. Helping others has a unique satisfaction not duplicated by any other activity.

My resolution this year is to take my husband on an “activity” date once a month. Not a dinner let’s sit and talk date, but a let’s go do something together date. I really love my husband and I know this is something he would like to do. We have been through so much together that it would be nice to just have some fun once in a while. We both need the fun, but mostly I need him, and there is no better investment in my emotional well being that I can think of than to invest in my marriage.

Set a goal for your emotional health this year.

Resolution 3: Set a financial goal for the year.

Financial responsibility is essential to a healthy life. Nothing can cause more stress faster than money troubles. Having more money is not necessarily the answer, but being a better steward of the money you have usually is. Take some time to evaluate your financial health. Where are you at? Do you spend more than you earn? Do you tithe or give to charity? Are you controlled by your money being either as a slave to debt or a stingy miser? Do you have savings? Do you place too much importance on your financial status or measure your worth by your financial accomplishments? Are you honest about your finances or do you hide things? These are all valid questions and your answers should help you decide the best financial goal for you.

My resolution this year is to restore to our savings account what my husband so graciously let me spend to start my tea business. He believes in me and I want to show him how much I appreciate his generosity. This resolution will also test my ability to run a profitable business, so it is kind of two resolutions in one. Mostly my goal is to simply be a good steward of what has been given to me in a quantitative way.

What financial goal will you set this year?

Part III and IV coming soon...

Five Ways to a Healthier You this New Year, Part I

2010-01-17T22:03:00.000-08:00

A few years ago I asked my husband what his resolutions were for the New Year. He bluntly told me that he does not make new year resolutions, that new year resolutions are pointless. I, of course, was offended by that, as I make them every year. I think the beginning of a new year is the perfect opportunity to take inventory of where our lives are compared to where we want them to be and make adjustments accordingly. They “point” us in the right direction and therefore are not pointless.

Unless we don’t follow through with them of course. The key to making resolutions is to keep them. And our ability to keep them usually depends on two things; 1) how disciplined we are and 2) how realistic our resolutions are. This is not the time to set ourselves up for failure. Life is too short for that.

Tonight, as I am setting my resolutions for this year, I thought maybe I could help you do the same. I have a very specific and effective strategy I always use. Over the years it has served me well. I think it is about time I share it.

First, I always set five resolutions. Just five. And I will tell you why. My granddad used to tell me that in order to live a healthy life you needed five things; a balance of intellectual, emotional, financial and physical health, and a faith that outweighs them all. My dad reinforced that wisdom all my life. I use that model to set my resolutions by. I use that model so set my life by.

Also, five resolutions are doable. Fewer than five and I think you are selling yourself short, more than five and you might find yourself overwhelmed. Five has the perfect balance of possibility and probability. So let’s get started.

Resolution 1: Set an intellectual goal for the year.
I always do this one first because I think it is the most neglected. Maintaining a healthy intellect is so important, yet so challenging. How many of us are so entrenched in the rigmarole of daily life that our brain is rarely on more than autopilot or reaction mode? It is important to stimulate our brains. Critical thinking, thought formulation and expression, and an imagination are crucial to our well being. We all have something that we love learning about, something that really gets the thoughts flowing, and we need to make sure we are nurturing that part of us just as much as we would our physical or emotional health. For me it is as simple as reading. I love to read and read often before I became a mother. But once my son was born, reading got put on the back burner. Making it a priority again fed a starving part of me that nothing else could. Someday I plan to return to school to earn a Master’s Degree to really feed my intellect, but for now I remain committed to the small things, like a really good book.

My resolution this year is to read the entire Bible in year. I have already started actually. I printed out one of those “Bible in a Year” plans from a website and am simply following it. Already my brain hurts, but I am loving every second of it.

What will your intellectual resolution be?

Part II and III and IV to follow...

By the Way...

2010-01-17T18:06:00.000-08:00

This does not let you off the hook by the way.

Just because I am pregnant and not recruiting you to run some race somewhere does not mean that you have nine months off.

I will come up with a project for you all soon. And I will keep posting valuable informational and inspirational material for you.

Keep checking back.

My next post will be Five Ways to a Healthier You this New Year.

Rachel

New Perseverance Project

2010-01-17T17:21:00.000-08:00

So, in April I wanted to do this run called the Ragnar Relay.

I can't even explain to you how awesome it was going to be. A team of twelve runs 177 miles down the California coast in 24 hours. Each team member runs three different legs of the race for a total of 15 miles a piece.

I have never done anything like it before. It sounded so adventurous and bold. I had my heart set on it. It was a perfect perseverance project...

But plans have changed.

I have a different perseverance project now. One that was just sort of handed to me. An unexpected one that cannot be measured in miles nor does it have a definitive finish line.

It is a completely different kind of race.

I am one of those people who always knows what the next step is going to be. I have owned (and used) a day planner since I was in junior high. I still have the day planner I used when I was pregnant with Aubrey and Ellie. On October 7th, 2008, are written the words Babies Due. I kept it and put it in their keepsake box because it represents their existence and presence in my life at the time. That planner holds the six months of hopes, dreams and plans I had with them. Sadly on July 11, 2008 are written the words Aubrey and Ellie's Funeral 11am. I certainly didn't plan that.

That was the day it finally sunk it that not all made plans happen. Having my heart set on something is not enough. Writing it in my day planner does not make it so.

Yet even today, after all I have been through, when plans change, I am still surprised. And it takes me a while let it sink in. Even when it is good news.

So, in April, I won't be running the Ragnar Relay. Not because I don't want to, trust me, I want to. I'm putting this one on my "Do Before I Die" list....

...but for now it is on hold. I'm busy that day...being pregnant!

Yes you heard right. I am pregnant. Due August 6th, 2010.

How is that for a change of plans?

Pregnancy is my next perseverance project. It will be the hardest yet. Makes a half marathon seem easy. Pregnancy after loss is uncharted territory for me. As you can imagine, I am thrilled...and nervous...and excited...and scared. And I think I have every right to be all those things.

But mostly I'm soaking in every second of it (morning sickness and all) because, well, I just can't help it. It is just who I am. I love my children and am thankful for them whether I have them for a minute or a lifetime. The very idea of them inspires hope that even the scariest of outcomes cannot squelch.

I am not an idealist, life has taught me about its harsh realities. I know better than most what could happen and I cannot forget what I have endured. But I also know what else could happen. In August I could be holding a healthy, beautiful newborn in my arms. I just don't know the surprises that may be in store.

Being pregnant again makes me miss my girls more than ever though. I have been caught off guard by the strength of the emotions it has stirred up. I am still so sad. I am learning, yet again, how to live after loss. It never gets easier. There always seems to be something that triggers new pain.

But this time, along side the sorrow, is immeasurable joy. A new baby is on the way! Hope is literally growing inside me. It's amazing.

I will keep you posted as I embark on this project in perseverance. There is no turning back now! So far I just feel icky and tired. But that is normal for me. My son seems certain that its a girl. I explained to him that God decides and he confidently told me that he is going to tell God to make it a girl. My husband is working hard to convince my son that he wants a baby brother. We will see who gets their wish. But I think we all agree that any baby we get to keep is fine with us.

Please keep my baby in your prayers.

Rachel

The Perseverance Project

2009-12-05T15:36:00.000-08:00

As you can see I have made some changes to this blog. For one, I changed the title to THE PERSEVERANCE PROJECT. It seems more fitting since that is what my life is now-a project in perseverance.

All our lives are.

I also changed the blog address to fit the title so please make a note of that.

And I changed the picture to some one climbing a mountain instead of some one running. It reminds me that we all have our mountains to climb.

I guess the question to ask is are we climbing them?

It is ridiculous to think that perseverance doesn't take practice. If we are not persevering in the small things, we will certainly fail in the big things. Its a given.

When I was 13 I went snow skiing for the first time. I picked it up quickly and had a blast. By the end of the day I was even braving the black diamond slopes. I felt pretty confident in my abilities. A few years later my dad took me skiing in Colorado for my 16th birthday. When we got on the lift I dropped my chap stick onto a black diamond slope. My dad suggested we leave my chap stick behind and warm up on a few easier runs before hitting the black diamond ones, but I saw no reason for that. I just knew I could do it and I really wanted my chap stick. Although he didn't necessarily share my point of view, he agreed and we made our very first run of the day a black diamond slope called Hell's Fury.

Yes, seriously.

Have you figured out what happened next?

I learned it was named Hell's Fury for a reason. It wasn't a slope as much as a cliff face with some snow on it. I spent the first half of the run scooting down the hill on my butt, scared to death I would fall down the mountain and die. I think I may have even cried. It was embarrassing. I had overlooked the fact that the last time I skied I spent all day working up to black diamond level-I didn't start there. If I wanted to persevere I would need to start small and work up. I would need to practice.

Once I finally made it to the bottom (with a frozen backside) I asked my dad if we could start on the easier slopes and try again later. Of course he agreed. He knew I had got in over my head before I even started down that slope. But he was patient and let me learn an important lesson. I never did find my chap stick, but the rest of day was amazing. It was the best skiing of my life. And yes, I attempted Hell's Fury (AKA cliff of icy death) again that day and persevered. A little preparation went a long way.

Is this our fatal flaw? Do we expect to conquer Hell's Fury on the first try? Do we honestly expect ourselves to simply rise to the BIG IMPORTANT occasion when we have yet to rise to the smallest ones?

I think we do.

When Aubrey and Ellie died a mountain rose up before me. It seemed insurmountable at the time. I had never known such incapacitating grief. The pain crippled me physically and emotionally. Truthfully I wanted to give in to it. I wanted to sit down and cry for the rest of my life.

The days and weeks that followed were the worst of my life. But in the midst of the darkest darkness I had ever known something was speaking to me. It wasn't as much a voice as a feeling. It simply compelled me to try.

My first step wasn't even a step. It was a commitment. I promised God that I would not give up if He promised to help me. Of course I had his promise, now I only need honor mine.

I will persevere. Or at least die trying.

I have yet to finish my climb. Its a big mountain.

I am somewhere on the face hanging on for dear life. Some days I climb boldly upward, other days I scoot down on my butt crying, looking for a place to rest and recompose myself. But God has kept his promise and I have yet to fall...

None of my efforts are in vain.

And I was much better prepared than I even realized. God has been doing a work in me from the beginning. I've had a lot more practice in perseverance than I ever thought.

Sometimes I imagine that my girls are waiting for me at the top of this giant mountain. Sometimes that is the motivation I need to keep going. But truthfully, even that is not enough. I get tired, I get frustrated, and reality sets in...

Perseverance will not earn me my girls back. They are no longer of this world.

But perseverance will empower and sustain me until the moment I sit with my girls in Heaven, basking in the glory of the presence of the God that IS ENOUGH.

Until then I choose to persevere in all things, the big and small. I choose to develop character and seek out opportunities to grow and overcome.

And I will never never never give up.

Speaking of never giving up, I will declare the next "challenge" soon. This is what life is about people. These are the small things that make you GIANTS among men.

I will give you a hint. It is 177 miles long.

Are you in?

Drum Roll Please.....

2009-11-15T16:07:00.000-08:00

I have completed the half marathon!

And let me say, it was an honor. It could not have been a more beautiful day. I wore my t-shirt proudly and ran my heart out.

My official time is 2:11:10.

Better than last year most certainly and faster than my goal time of 2:15:00.

I will post pictures soon as well as the names of all the babies I ran for. I am just too tuckered out right now.

Thank you EVERYONE for your prayers and support. I heard all your comments in my head throughout the race and was honored to wear your child's name on my shirt.

I know Aubrey and Ellie would be proud of me.

Heck, I am proud of me.

I think I ran well today.

If you ran, let me know how you did! I would LOVE to hear about it.

Rachel

Last Run Before THE Run

2009-11-12T08:32:00.000-08:00

OK runners!

The race is Sunday. I know some of you are running with me, and some of you are running your own half marathon somewhere else (which is way cool!). Nonetheless, we are all running and we need to be race ready by Sunday.

Today is my last run until the race. I am doing an easy five miles and spending Friday and Saturday recovering to be 100% for race day. I am also getting race ready mentally by envisioning myself running well. When I feel anxiety I calm my nerves by reassuring myself that it is a privilege to run, I am doing it for my girls, and that I AM READY.

Trust me, you are ready! But here are a few tips to help you be completely ready.

For starters drink lots of water between now and Sunday. Not tons (don't go overboard), but plenty to stay hydrated. Too much water could make you bloated. The best thing to do is consistently drink water, tea, fresh juices, coconut water, and sports drinks steadily throughout the day. DON'T chug a half gallon of water the morning of the race. It won't help at all and may actually cause problems for you. You will most likely just pee it all out (hopefully before you start the race) and it could dilute the electrolyte balance in your body. And trust me, you'll need those electrolytes. Use these days to your advantage and start hydrating now...you'll be glad you did.

Also, if you haven't already, start carbo loading now. Don't go crazy. You don't need to eat a pile of pasta at every meal. Just add a good complex carb at every meal. Oatmeal for breakfast, baked potato at lunch, and rice with dinner in normal sized servings. And there is no need to eat any food that you don't normally eat. Eat what you are used to eating to avoid stomach issues or diarrhea. That sounds gross I know, but combine pre-race jitters with food your body is not used to and you have a recipe for disaster. That last thing you want to do is throw up or lose control of your bowels three miles into the race.

Fueling during the race is also VERY important. My favorite is GU Chomps. But there are many options out there. Which ever fueling option you choose, make sure to refuel every 45 minutes during the race and eat something immediately after you finish the race. Also drink lots of water while you run. Hit every water stop or run with a water belt (like I do) and stay well hydrated.

Your race experience will be your own. How well you have trained, how hard you want to push yourself, and what your goals are will determine how you feel while you run and after you have finished. Be prepared to push through discouragement and physical exhaustion. You might get a side ache or a cramp. You might suddenly feel overwhelmed by the 13.1 miles in front of you. But don't let that stop you. Rest for a moment, drink some water, walk for a bit...and then get running. You will hit physical and mental walls and you have to make the commitment now to keep running anyway. Unless you are an experienced runner, you have no idea how you'll feel, so make the decision to finish now, not in the moment, or you will likely give up. Mental toughness will be your greatest asset. Especially those of us running for the babies we lost. Don't be surprised if race day churns up all kinds of emotions. By the end of the race you will probably be exhausted, but you'll also be very proud of yourself and experience a deep sense of accomplishment. You'll be stoked, trust me!

If you have any questions leave a comment and I will do my best to answer you.

Happy running!
Rachel

10 Days To Race!

2009-11-05T09:47:00.000-08:00

Ten day to go! Yes, just ten.

10.

Did any of you know my maiden name is Tenpenny? I just thought I would throw that in to point out I am partial to the number 10.

Today it finally sank in that I am actually going to do this. I always get nervous before a competition. Not nervous scared, nervous energized...

And ok, just a little scared.

But not scared like I don't want to do this anymore scared. Scared like please God help me not blow this. The pressure is real for me.

Not pressure to run fast, but to run well.

After all, I am running for those who cannot run for themselves, for families who have asked me to carry a banner for them, to represent for their children, as well as mine, in my heart and on my shirt, as I run this race.

And I want to run well.

Running this race is my way to physically represent the intangible legacy of my girls who are not here to represent themselves. My girls are not with me anymore on this earth, but they remain in my heart, and the impact they have had on my life will never disappear.

I won't let it.

It is my honor to share them with the world at every opportunity.

And it is my privilege to honor yours as well.

In ten days I will put my t-shirt on and stand at the start line of a race that, truthfully, I never thought I'd run. Not under these circumstances anyway. I will face the reality again (as I do daily) that my girls are gone and choose to run this race for them.

My body is ready I think. I have trained and I have confidence I will cross the finish line eventually.

My heart, sadly, is not.

How does one prepare their heart for such things?

But I accept that sometimes my desire for healing and my commitment to run well are the legs that carry my heart in a race it would rather not run.

I want so badly to run well because I know that this race is just a small part of THE race I am committed to running for the rest of my life.

My girls deserve to be honored well.

Last year when I ran this same half marathon my sister got my son a t-shirt to wear to the race. It said SEE MOM RUN. Just like my son sees his mommy run, I hope my girls can see me also. And not just on race day.

I want them to see me running my race everyday...for them.

Keep running! It is worth it. Whatever race you're running.

Rachel

T-shirts

2009-10-14T19:10:00.000-07:00

Ok...

I am creating the t-shirts for the half marathon. If you want your baby's name, or the name of a baby you know, on the shirt so I can run in their honor please submit it here. Leave a comment or email me at aubreyandellie@gmail.com with the baby's name spelled exactly as you wish it to appear on the shirt.

If you would like to purchase a t-shirt please let me know. I will let you know how much a t-shirt costs before I make my final order so no one is obligated without knowing what the cost will be. I will send t-shirts on request.

I also would like to know who is running with me? If you are registered and still plan to run, please send me an email or leave a comment with an email address. I will make sure we have a place to meet up before the race and I will host an after-party. It will be fun.

Happy Running!

Rachel

Bad News

2009-10-06T22:31:00.000-07:00

**UPDATE**

My sister has graciously offered to give me her place in the race. She registered early (smart girl!) but is having knee trouble and thinks she might not run anyway so she gave me her spot. What a nice sister I have. In the meantime we are checking Craig's List for my husband. Keep praying that another spot opens up!

*******************************************************

Tonight my husband and I got on-line to register for the half. Why we haven't got around to it I don't know, but nonetheless, tonight was the night. We wanted to register before the price went up. But IT IS FULL! I am so sad.

Tomorrow my husband is going to find out if there is anything we can do. Maybe we can just show up the day of and register then? I feel stupid for not registering weeks ago but I guess I assumed it would be as easy as last year. We waited until the last minute and didn't have a problem. But this year, the year I sent out a blog challenge about it, we are having a problem.

So lame.

I guess I really only have myself to blame.

I will keep you posted on what we find out. I really want to run and hope that my stupidity doesn't ruin my plans to honor my girls.

Rachel

It is October!

2009-10-02T16:36:00.000-07:00

The half marathon is 44 days away...that is just a bit over six weeks. It is crunch time.

I don't know about you, but I am not where I intended to be at this point. Some struggles with injuries have set me back. So with six weeks to go I feel the pressure. But that is ok. A little pressure is good sometimes.

Tomorrow I head out for a nice long run and I plan to enjoy it. I hope you all do the same.

Don't forget to register for the half on-line. You have until Oct 6 to get the best deal...after that the price goes up.

Stick with it. Remember, we are out there to support each other and honor my girls. Finishing is the goal. Don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself. Just do your best. Right now that is about all I can muster up myself.

Happy Running!

-Rachel

Nine Weeks To Go

2009-09-14T15:18:00.000-07:00

For those of you running...we have nine weeks left. Make them count!

I don't know about you but I am struggling with aches and pains. My left knee specifically. It is important to stretch, ice, and rest to keep aches and pains at bay. Get them in check now and you'll be on your way to a great race. Neglect them and you might find yourself down for the count. Don't sabotage your success. Take care of your body.

I highly recommend a trip to Road Runner Sports for a proper shoe fitting. If you have never done this, now is the time. Proper fitting shoes can prevent injuries and increase stamina by keeping your body in alignment. You'll be amazed at the difference.

Now is also a good time to bring up hydrating and fueling during runs. By now your mileage should be creeping up. Long runs require water and fuel during the run, not just after. I hate running while holding a water bottle so using a hydration belt is my personal choice. I am headed out to get one this week. And GU chomps are great for refueling on a run. They are easy to carry and easier to swallow than GU gels. For a more natural refueling choice coconut water is very effective. It is high in potassium, contains no fat, and is only slightly sweet. Find it at your local health food store. Passion Fruit or Plain taste best.

Happy Running!

Rachel

Grief is like Running

2009-09-02T21:07:00.000-07:00

I am visiting my parents in Ojai this week and it is an understatement to say it is hot here. Everyday so far has been in the triple digits. The hot weather is great for afternoons by the pool, but not so much for running. And since working on my tan won't make me run faster or farther I have been going to the gym for some time on the treadmill.

Today I was focused and serious when I stepped on the treadmill. Earlier in the day my son asked if we could take his Nanna's mini tea set to the cemetery to have tea with Aubrey and Ellie because the little tea cups "are tiny just like Aubrey and Ellie are tiny." It was so special to me that my three and a half year old thinks about his sisters so lovingly, but it also stirred up a lot of sadness in my heart. I miss my girls. Battling tears all day left me agitated and ready to leave some of my grief on the treadmill. I was determined to run it out of me.

With my ipod in my ears I started the treadmill. I cranked up the pace and jumped on getting straight down to business. I made a promise to myself that every time I wanted to quit or slow down I would increase the pace by one tenth of a mile per hour. There was no doubt this run was going to hurt. How badly was completely up to me, and I liked that feeling of control and the opportunity to feel something different for a while.

For me, running has a way of triggering thought. I have never been one of those people who can clear their mind or focus only on the task at hand. Everything I do reminds me of something else. Every activity connects to a past experience or poses a new question. I can never turn my brain off.

The harder I ran the more thoughts filled my head. Ugh!

I cranked up the pace...

Grief is like running.

Truthfully I really didn't want to think about grief, I just wanted to run. But the more focused I tried to be the more thoughts stirred in my mind.

Why does grief, I mean running, have to hurt so much?

What I was trying so hard to separate was blurring together again. Frustration was setting in. I always do this. I set out to give myself a break from my pain but the harder I try to run from it the harder it pursues me. The more I try to forget the more I remember. I get tired of the constant demands of this journey. I just want it to end!

More speed...

At that point I was running at a pace I could never maintain. It was only a matter of time until I hit the wall. I gave it what I had for as long as I could but eventually I had to stop. I caught my breath and set the pace at something I could maintain for the long haul. As I finished out the run the irony of the situation hit me.

It didn't matter how fast I ran today, when I got off the treadmill I would be in the same place I started. It wasn't a time machine, it was a treadmill.

When I hopped down my grief was still there waiting for me.

Grief sets its own pace. I can try to run ahead of it or away from it, but something always happens to bring me back along side it. When I can't keep up it drags me along anyway. It is not something I can choose not to participate in nor is it something I can rush myself through. I have to run this journey at grief's pace. It does not matter how fast I run on the treadmill, grief will maintain its own pace and its own identity. Although grief feels like running, it isn't running, and it is time for me to stop confusing the two.

I went straight to the locker room and cried. Yes really. I put my towel over my face and let the tears flow. My face was already red from running so I don't think too many people noticed anyway. I didn't cry for long, but I got it out. I reassured myself that I am going to be ok. It is a long haul, but I am going to make it.

Pushing my physical body to its breaking point is humbling. I am most broken spiritually and emotionally when my body is broken. There is something about physical exhaustion and weakness that tears down pride and inspires growth. I feel most vulnerable in a state of physical pain or incapability. It is the real me stripped of false self confidence and incorrect self perceptions. I can no longer remain in denial of what I am made of and how much help I really need.

I think that is why training for this half marathon is so transforming for me. Each run is another layer being peeled away. Training not only tears down my body to be rebuilt as a stronger runner, but it tears down the walls around my very soul so that God can rebuild the most broken parts of me.

When I am weak I cannot resist the transforming power of the Holy Spirit. I cannot use my will to remain closed off. Weakness leaves me open.

As you train for the half marathon try to shift your perspective. Push yourself not only to become stronger, but weaker. Strive to reach your breaking point so that in your brokenness you will not be able to resist the transforming power of the Holy Spirit. We are all training for different reasons with different goals. But there is not a single one of us that would not benefit from being broken and built back up again.

Weak is the new strong.

Happy running everyone!

Rachel

Hills

2009-08-26T14:31:00.000-07:00

Even though we were camping in Idyllwild this weekend I had to get my run in. Saturdays are long run days NO MATTER WHAT. I procrastinated just a bit and enjoyed a relaxing morning, but as the afternoon approached I threw on my shoes and hit the road...

It was a dirt trail actually. And as I navigated past holes and rocks while listening to a borrowed ipod I couldn't help but enjoy myself. It was a beautiful day. I felt blessed to be out in nature on a warm but not too hot afternoon in the fresh air. It had rained the night before so the trail wasn't dusty and all the plants were clean and refreshed. The trail twisted and turned in front of me and I happily followed it.

I checked my watch. To my surprise twenty minutes had already flown by. It had been a long time since a run felt this comfortable.

I think I'll just keep going.

So off I went...

Then the terrain started to change. I could feel the trail begin to climb. At first it was subtle. It was getting more difficult but I thought a little challenge would be good for me. I pushed myself to stick it out. And then I saw it. I couldn't not see it. Right in front of me thirty yards ahead...

A GIANT HILL.

Maybe mountain would be a better word.

My comfortable and enjoyable run vanished before my very eyes. I had a decision to make, give up now and turn around or run that hill?

Since neither my ego nor my conviction would allow myself to turn around, I had to run that hill. Darn that conviction!

I envisioned having a "Rocky" moment where I ran as hard as I could to the top and cheered myself on in victory. But reality was not nearly as dramatic. My legs burned, my chest hurt, and my vision of triumph became a desire to simply not die before I reached the top...the very far away top.

As pain was pulsing through every muscle of my body I found myself in awe of world class athletes that push their bodies to accomplish incomprehensible things. How do they do it? I thought. I was ready to give up and this was just a hill...granted A GIANT HILL...but still just a hill...

No hill is ever just a hill.

My legs were screaming and lungs burning...this was not just a hill.

But I had climbed harder hills than this. I have felt more pain and lived to tell about it. The whole last year of my life has been the kind of hill that kills most people. Since my girls died I have been climbing the most difficult hill of my life. What world class athletes demand of their bodies I demand of my soul. In comparison to the mountain of grief I am still climbing, this hill was a drop in the bucket. I refused to give up.

The hills are where you learn what you are made of. The comfortable and enjoyable times are a blessing and a much needed rest from the harder parts of the journey, but the hills are what we are measured by. Pain is the fire that refines us.

In my life I want to, no need to, get to the top of my hills. I refuse to miss out on what God has for me at the top. And whether my hill is a seemingly insurmountable mountain of grief since losing my girls or an actual hill on my afternoon run, I will climb it. It might get ugly and I may not always enjoy it, but I will climb it.

And maybe it would be easier for some one else to climb this hill than it is for me, but that doesn't matter, it isn't theirs to climb. We each have to climb our own hills.

I kept going. It wasn't pretty. It wasn't fast. But I didn't stop until I reached the top. I am sure that isn't going to be the last hill I ever climb, nor my best effort, and I knew that I was not going to be happy when I woke up the next morning achy and sore...but none of that is the point. I only had one hill to climb that day and I climbed it. I'll worry about tomorrow's hills...tomorrow.

So I took a minute, caught my breath, and enjoyed an unexpected blessing.

Note to self: The higher the hill, the better the view.

Rachel

Get Started-Motivation #1

2009-08-20T20:17:00.000-07:00

I know it is hard to get started. I am having trouble myself.

I jumped on the treadmill yesterday to pound out a few miles, and I can't lie, I didn't enjoy a single second of it. I was so disappointed with my running ability that I came home and revised my training plan. Saying I felt discouraged is an understatement.

I kept asking myself what happened to the Rachel that used to kill it! The Rachel that was fearless, that loved the feeling of pushing herself to the brink, that never let pain stop her from doing anything she set her mind on...yeah, where is that girl? I could use her about now.

I took a long hard look in the mirror. And what I saw was...

NOT that girl.

She is still part of me without question, but I have changed. A lot of life has happened between that girl and this one. An entire decade has shaped who I am now. And there is no going back.

I think we all have a moment in our lives when we jump on the proverbial treadmill and realize we are not who we used to be.

But that is ok.

The most important thing is not who we were, but who we are becoming.

I want to become a better runner because I want to become who I ought to be, not who I already was. I already did that. Be who I was I mean. Not much of a challenge there.

Who I am becoming now is much harder. It involves a lot more risk.

But a lot more gain.

This time I am not running to stay in shape for my high school basketball season or to PR my next track race. I am running because becoming who I want to be, who God wants me to be, means running this race after the loss of my baby girls.

New girl, new race, new reason.

I encourage you to ask yourself why you are running the race? Who do you want to become and how can you get there? Write your answers down. When training gets tough and thoughts of giving up (or not even getting started) seem stronger than your will, read what you wrote.

It just might be exactly the motivation you need to run this race.

Rachel

Training Plan for Beginners

2009-08-19T21:05:00.001-07:00

Here is the half marathon training program I promised. Click the link and what should pop up is a twelve week plan for beginners that starts next Monday August 24th. It is a three day a week program, with the long run on Saturday.

http://www.runnersworld.com/cda/smtcresults/1,7144,s6-238-277-278-0-0-0-0,00.html?metr=miles&hour=3&mins=0&secs=0&rlen=half&rdst=half4&mpwe=6&startf=123xyz&diff=mod&lrdy=6&slen=12&trainstart=ds1251172960734

For those of you who only want to run two days a week to save your joints a bit, you can substitute all the monday easy runs for a cycling class. And if you want to push yourself you can always add extra runs or other cardio activity during the week in between run days.

You can always go to http://www.runnersworld.com/ and have a custom training plan made there.

Happy Training!
Rachel

Thirteen Weeks To Go (that is 90 days people!)

2009-08-17T09:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Runners,

I am so glad that some of you have decided to join me and eagerly await the decisions of those still contemplating...as for the rest of you, you better have a really good reason for not running! Just kidding.

I would love to hear why some of you have decided to run. If you have a story you would like to tell, anything from running for the baby you lost to a weight loss journey you are on (and anything in between) I would love to know about it. I will post it gladly. You never know who you might inspire. Just email it to me. aubreyandellie@gmail.com

Also, check the blog weekly for training tips, motivation, and group training days. My goal is to set up places and times for us locals to meet up and train together once a week or so. Regardless of your training level or pace (it isn't like I am some super runner) we can meet up, sweat together, and build camaraderie. We are all in this together.

If you still need a training plan go to www.runnersworld.com and sign up. Then use the training tab to have a custom plan designed for you according to your level. Even if you are a beginner they have a plan for you. You can pick which days of the week you want to run and which day you want as your long run day. In other words it will fit your unique needs and life. Pretty nice! So what are you waiting for? Get started today!

Email me or leave a comment with any questions you have.

Happy Running!
Rachel

The 1st Challenge

2009-08-12T23:00:00.000-07:00

The Challenge: Run a half marathon with me! That is 13.1 miles. And yes, it is totally doable.

Where: The Silver Stand Half Marathon on Coronado Island in San Diego, CA. The link to race information and registration follows. http://www.kozenterprises.com/Running/halfdf84.htm

When: Sunday November 15, 2009 at 7:30am

Why: To honor my girls and all the babies in heaven I have come to know through my blog Waiting for Morning www.aubreyandellie.blogspot.com. Lets honor our babies, pursue character through perseverance, be an inspiration, and have a lot of fun doing it.

How: Go to the race website, register on line and pay the entry fee (save some money and register before October). Email me with your name so I can add you to my email list and keep you in the loop. Submit your story or reason for running in an email and I will post it on this blog as inspiration if you would like. If you have lost a baby please submit the child's name in the same email to be included on the group t-shirt. You can submit the name of your child/children in heaven whether you are running or not. Show up on race day, find our group, get your t-shirt if you ordered one, and run like the wind! Be changed forever! It is that simple.

Feel free to email me with any questions or to let me know you are joining in at aubreyandellie@gmail.com. I can also email you a beginning training plan on request. It is only thirteen and a half weeks away so get started ASAP.

Click the link below for more information.
http://aubreyandellie.blogspot.com/2009/08/join-me.html

Are you in?

Rachel

For Newcomers

2009-08-12T21:51:00.000-07:00

Welcome! My name is Rachel Crawford. It is nice to meet you. I am a wife, mother, completely regular person and the creator of this blog. I am so glad you are interested in what is going on here. This blog is very close to my heart. Although it seems to be about running and competing, it actually isn't. My inspiration for creating it has very little to do with racing and everything to do with living.

In July of 2008 my twin daughters Aubrey and Ellie died after complications of being born prematurely. The pain of losing them was so intense that I honestly felt that my life was over. I did not know how I would ever put one foot in front of the other to move through my grief to find healing on the other side. I was truly stuck. In an attempt to un-stick myself I employed all kinds of tactics including a decision to run a half marathon. I figured at worst it couldn't hurt and at best it might even help. I had nothing to lose. So in Nov of 2008 I completed my very first half marathon after only ten weeks of training.

I can't lie and say it was the magic cure for my pain because it wasn't, but it did do something amazing that I was not expecting...it felt good. The race was hard, I was tired, my entire body hurt when it was over, yet this feeling came over me when I crossed the finish line that changed me. It reminded me of what it felt like to live. And I got the bug...not the bug to run, but the bug to live again. It changed the course of my grief.

Now, a year later, I want to run again. But this time I want to share the experience. I want to encourage people to take a risk, set a lofty goal, build character through perseverance, and experience the joy of living once again. I want you to run too.

God calls us all to persevere. We each have our own path. And we need support, encouragement and faith to persevere in our own race. My hope is that this blog will inspire people to not only run the Silver Strand Half Marathon on Nov. 15, 2009 in San Diego, CA (and any other races I post on here in the future), but to get back to living again.

God is not calling all of us to run, but He is calling all of us to live...and maybe an actual race can remind you of what that feels like?

What is your perseverance project?

Come on, join me! What do you have to lose?

Rachel